Recently, i saw a comic in deviantart, that inspired me somehwhat. (Sadly, i didn’t save it, and i can’t find it again -_-) It was about this kid’s book writer/artist who just listed the things he cannot do. So, to study my own limits, i decided to make a list on my own. Just to make sure – this information means, that those are the things you are not allowed to ask me to do. Otherwise, random fun.
10. I can’t write erotic fiction.
I tried, guys, seriously. Once. I was forced to. Lead heroes were Viesturs & Ilona (yeah, now it sounds stupid, but a while ago, i knew only one viesturs and one ilona) It sounded dumb as hell, and had no connection with real life whatsoever. (Not that THAT was a problem to erotic fiction writers -_-) The real problem with the thing was that i tried to make sense with it. In my humble opinion, literary medium isn’t a great carrier of the sensations of the carnal kind. Nyah. Or maybe, it’s just me. At least, i haven’t tried (and never will) writing an erotic fan fic of twilight, where Bella dies, and i’m stuck in her place. Or, even worse, a Harry Potter erotic fanfic, where the lead heroine gets banged by mr. Malfoy. I know people who have, and they should be ashamed of themselves.
9. I can’t play MMO’s.
We all have those friends who’re just playing wow. Quite likely, YOU play wow. Or darkfall. Or WAR. Or EVE. Or Atlantis. Or…whatever, really. I’ve been told that MMO’s are fun. I’ve tried a few. A lot, let’s be honest – mr. Oskars Toms is a convincing speaker, and while i lived at his place, we had to do something together. But still, i cannot be bothered to level up because of leveling up – like i’ve said to people around me – DotA (and now, LoL, HoN and stuff like that is just ruining that, by becoming actual MMO’s) is the best MMO experience. You do the same grinding, but you can – get this – WIN! Yes, you can finish the game! How awesome is that? Otherwise, all MMO’s feel like hard work – and i have one already, thank you. -_-
8. I can’t eat eggplants.
When i was a child, my mother used to make those. Or so i’ve been told, because i don’t know my mother that well. I don’t know my reaction back then, but if offered any today, i’d rather use them as shooting practice targets. These things are like cucumbers that taste awful. They look awful. Heck, everything about them is awful! Once i got offered a lasagna with these, instead of meat – and i can’t exactly recall where i hid the body of that damn cook.
7. I can’t watch romantic movies.
Hell, forget the movies! I have issues with your ordinary sitcom romantic misunderstanding scenes even! Books are easier, yet quite hard as well. I don’t know why, but when i see people get emotional on the screen, i want to hide in the darkest closet possible, and ignore the damn thing. This stuff is scary, and irritates me. Not to say that i think that they’re bad movies, no – it’s just that i get a physical, very real feeling of awkwardness and irritation. And that IS strange, considering the fact that i like romance i real life, and i consider that being a nice, romantic fellow and taking proper care of the ladies is one of the things a man must do, to even call himself that way. But i’ll rather keep my movies philosophical and/or scary.
6. I can’t listen to The Beatles.
You’ll hate me for this one, but i, in all seriousness, state that The Beatles are crap. They sound the same in almost every song i’ve heard, they’re overrated and John Lennon was a hypocritical hippie pothead with less talent than a dead cow. (with a single exception of “Yellow Submarine” which is the only song i like from them) When someone puts on “Yesterday” i honestly want to puke. I enjoy the classics, really – i like Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin…but, bloody hell, these guys aren’t worth the hype. At least, my ears think so. But then again, quite probably they screwed my sense of taste in the asylum.
5. I can’t forget my ex-girlfriends.
I’ll start by saying that this is one of the few non-porn, non-celebrity pictures that you get, by googling “ex-gf”. Don’t punch me, i don’t relate to the guy. Now, on to the issue: I’ve been together with a person, we’ve shared an emotional bond. Then, the emotional bond severed for a reason. That doesn’t mean they are bad people. Now, other things might mean that they are bad people, but not the single fact that we’ve split up. I don’t compare them (i know you, women, hate that), i don’t judge what they do now (because who am i to judge), it’s just that if they’d call me right now, and ask me for help, i would do that. I cannot forget them, as i feel they’ve all made me a better person somehow – and to that end, i name my WH40K tanks in the names of my ex-gfs. This part of the blog probably means i’ll never get a girlfriend again, lol.
4. I can’t quit smoking.
Mark Twain has said: “Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times.” – and he is so right. I am a smoking addict, i admit that. I don’t smoke because it’s cool, i don’t smoke because it calms me – i smoke because it feels good when i do, and it feels really, REALLY bad when i don’t. I’d need a really good reason to quit such as, getting married and having a baby – and i haven’t planned on doing so, at least for a couple of years. So, for now, i cannot quit smoking. And i don’t even want to.
3. I can’t write in Russian.
To foreigners this might make as much sense as saying: “I can’t write Swahili” but it is quite strange, knowing my position. I learned to speak/read Russian, while sleeping at a hospital, with pneumonia, back when i was in 1.st grade. There are a lot of Russians in Latvia, and it’s much like French in Canada. Except it’s not official. Because we’re a small nation, and we have to protect our language. So, anyway – i can do whatever else is needed in Russian, and i often translate things from Russian to Latvian for my work. Heck, i’ve even repeated formal grammar in the last few months. It’s just that cyrillic hates me, and the feeling is mutual. It takes me forever to write anything on my keyboard in Russian (and they all have cyrillic markings here), and it’s worse when i do it by hand. To the locals, especially Eva (Alice) – lately, i’ve improved my accent. Speaking almost only Russian with your boss does that to people.
2. I can’t smoke weed.
Yes, i’ve smoked marijuana a couple of times, just as almost everyone. No, it was not fun. First time, it made me vomit, and then i fell asleep, second time…well, second time i did a lot of stupid things, because NO i don’t enjoy random acts of stupidity, and the third time saw me paying fines to the police. Because i managed to get drunk as well. Also, i’ve seen what does weed do to people who smoke it often. People who say that it’s completely harmless are either blistering idiots or liars. I steer clear of illegal drugs. And i recommend that to everyone. If you want to reach a non-sober state of mind, use the good, old, completely-legal-if-you’re-over-18-(at-least-here)-and-comparatively-much-cheaper-alcohol.
1. And the thing i absolutely, positively can’t do: I can’t keep my mouth shut.
Whatever the reason, i can’t be quiet about the things i don’t like or agree with. Whenever i have an idea, which i consider to be important enough, i absolutely MUST tell to other people. And that has gotten me in a lot…let me paraphrase that, A HUMONGOUS STOCKPILE OF SHITLOADS LOT! trouble. Hell, i even write this blog to tell people the things which, in my opinion, they should know. I write stories as to make sure that my message goes out to the people in the most comprehensible way. And…now and then, i insult people, because some of them out there are really, too dumb to live. But they’re all nice folks nonetheless, while they don’t harm others with their stupidity. Then again, and that stunned me a lot, i am extremely shy in front of a select few. Because, again, when it comes to emotional matters, i might as well be a brick. :/
So, there you have it. At least, i know my own limitations. And now, you know them as well. You know any other things i can’t do? Maybe you want to write a list of things you can’t do? Knowing oneself is, quite probably, the most important thing to do with your life. Hope you enjoyed this blog. (Unlikely) If it made you think (Even more unlikely) – good for you! Next time, back with a huge dose of humour and sarcasm. Have a nice day!
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